just got back from a solid day of shooting the last scene for extraordinary. it was made much less fun by lack of sleep and the fact that my mood stabilizers make me a bit sick. that's right, I now officially have my own happy pills.

life officially sucks. Lemme get up to date:

In march i got fired from my very good paying job. at this point i figure, i'm leaving town for new orleans in a couple weeks, no big.

Me and Timber don't leave florida til the end of may, and when we do, it's for maryland, so we can live with my dad. somewhere in there we get screwed over on a gig and a place to stay and timber's best friend, to the point they refer to each other as brothers, decides he doesn't like me, but never tells me about it.

within two weeks of reaching maryland (and some how pissing off my uncle, i still don't know what that's about) timber get's an email from his best friend basicly saying 'i hate you, you're despicable, your fiance's a bitch and a layabout, I never want to see your face again.' Suffice to say I cried for the first time in 6 years.

We've been here for almost 2 months now and we've yet to get a job (i don't count the one timber got and got fired from in less than 2 hours for not knowing his way around the state.)

I hate being dependant on anyone and all this bs is driving me crazy. It'd be easier if it weren't for the fact that me and Timber are getting tired of looking at eachother  and are constantly snapping at eachother for no real reason. I feel like i'm trapped in a net and the more I panic and try to get out of it, the further trapped I get...

I went to work this morning and checked my email (which is always full of fun and interesting things when I come in after my 3-day weekends) and found out that I had a meeting at 3 in the afternoon with my supervisors supervisor about the project they were discussing to combine the two sides of our business with a new team. Now, I only just heard about this new idea on Thursday before my weekend, and I had hardly expected to be picked for this new project in the first place, so I assumed it was a preliminary 'here's the idea, what do you think?' type meeting. and went on with my day.
At 1:30, an hour before my lunch hour and 2 hours before my meeting, I checked my schedule to see when they wanted me to take lunch, seeing as this thing was smack dab in the middle of it.. (I was hoping it would be early, Monday is not our 'light' day of the week.) Not only was my lunch not move to be early, the meeting wasn't scheduled at all, and when I spoke with out scheduling team, they didn't even know what the hell was going on.
Half an hour before the meeting, just as I'm going to clock out and sit down with a good book, four people come screaming through the isle "nobody go to lunch, all the lunches are gonna be set for after the meeting!"
Thanks guys, coulda told me that earlier.
So I wait, whatever, and go to the meeting.

At the meeting we're told all those attending are on the short list for the project. Woo hoo for me!
We are also told, because we need to be trained for our other department, we will be pulled from the phones for two weeks. Woooot!
Starting Monday, the 23rd. Wtf?
We would also be rebidding for our schedules. Hey, wait a minute!
And we would also be moved to a whole new supervisor. A girl who's desk is festooned with pink hearts and Hello Kitty paraphernalia. Permanently.

At this point I was ready to quit the project altogether. 

Except for the fact that they were implying that, though a pay raise was not inherent in the new project, it may be coming, should it succeed.

Suffice to say, when we got out of the meeting I and the group of friends and allies I had volunteered for this project with bombarded our sup with questions.

They hadn't even told her they were going to be rolling it out yet, or that they had made the final choice in reps.


I've had better days at my job, far, far better.
 

Now, when you walk into my room, one of the biggest things you notice (other than the usual state of barely controlled chaos) is this giant tv I got as a present from my father and the xbox 360 I spent far too much of my own money on as a present to myself for moving up in this dismal little world of ours. I'm very proud of that tv and the xbox connected to them because they are the only real items of true materialistic value I own (and because it takes an advanced degree in electronics to set up everything I own to channel through that machine).

But they aren't there anymore. Neither is the playstation 2 that I promised my siblings would be best placed in my room with the larger, hd tv, or the laptop I was given as a gift by my best friends and former house-mates or my step-father's laptop, which, while not brand spanking new, was only bought a couple years ago. Every movie and video game I own is sitting in the middle of my floor, jammed into yarn bags, yarn bags that the burglars had to rummage through my whole closet to find and use, a kind of violation that I can neither comprehend nor explain.

I'm angry. Very very very angry. And sleep-deprived. And, overall, not a very pleasant person to be around. What I want, more than anything in the world, is to have 20 minutes in a room with each of the slimy bastards that walked into my house and took from me all the stuff I and my parents and my friends worked so hard for. Many of those things were gifts, very expensive gifts, things we have no way of replacing. Things around which my identity is based. 'I can afford to buy myself a new game system as a gift to myself.' 'I can watch movies with my siblings whenever I want.' 'I can set up my life to allow my family to share what I've come into by the grace of the sun and stars and shear unadulterated luck.' And because some assholes wanted a fix, I'm out all of that.

I'm very very very angry.

i love florida.

midday. it's nice outside, i'm surrounded by palm trees and nice wee houses, so i went out for a smoke.

it was only 52 degrees outside.

wtf is wrong with this state?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

I took this test back in 2005 and I just came back across it while looking over my posts in the last several years. I found that, looking back, despite what I obviously thought of myself at the time, I'm a lot better off now, and far more comfortable with myself than I used to be. And despite my usual instinct on seeing my older writings, especially as they get farther and farther back, I find that, with only a few exceptions, there's really not much for me to be ashamed of here...

Lol. Would only that I could have the clarity of late night musings all the time. 'Night all, and I hope that your rest is better than mine.